My first baby, Prince Michael, will be 13 tomorrow...this morning he woke up at 5:30, got dressed, brushed his teeth, fed and took the dog out, then cooked scrambled eggs for me and his sisters and served them to us in bed.
Hell, I must be doing SOMETHING right.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
What to do, what to do?
I've just been given a gift via email from my boss...
Subject line:
U can go @ 2: 30 today
I'm thinking "oh, goodie, goodie." (These little gifts do not happen across my desk very often, trust me.)
So now I must decide: what kind of a mother do I want to be today?
Option 1-I could head home right away, arrive around the same time as my little angels, spend some time in the yard, and take my time preparing our evening feast.
Yeah, right. By 4:00 I will be saying to myself "WHY did I think this would be a good idea?" after I've broken up the 3rd round of arguing between those said "angels".
Option 2-Head down the street to a popular restaurant/bar to have a couple drinks and a few laughs along with other local business folks.
What do you think QM would do?
Subject line:
U can go @ 2: 30 today
I'm thinking "oh, goodie, goodie." (These little gifts do not happen across my desk very often, trust me.)
So now I must decide: what kind of a mother do I want to be today?
Option 1-I could head home right away, arrive around the same time as my little angels, spend some time in the yard, and take my time preparing our evening feast.
Yeah, right. By 4:00 I will be saying to myself "WHY did I think this would be a good idea?" after I've broken up the 3rd round of arguing between those said "angels".
Option 2-Head down the street to a popular restaurant/bar to have a couple drinks and a few laughs along with other local business folks.
What do you think QM would do?
Thursday, May 24, 2007
The early bird catches the (sanity) worm
Are you letting your kids be your alarm clock in the morning? Getting shaken awake by your young ones is about as invited as your dog on your newly waxed floor after rolling in a mud pile. You just want to scream "get out!" Is this really a good way to start your day?
You must get up before your children if you really intend on making it through motherhood with some brain cells left.
"But I go to bed so late. I'm too exhausted to wake up early."
Does Letterman or Leno have to see you drag your cranky ass up in the morning? Do yourself and your children a favor: Be up and ready when the troops arrive.
You need this time to yourself, because by the time you get those little energy drainers to bed in the evening, you can't truly enjoy that alone time because you have nothing left in you to enjoy it. It won't be easy at first if your not accustomed to seeing the sun rise, but you and your children will be happier for it.
You must get up before your children if you really intend on making it through motherhood with some brain cells left.
"But I go to bed so late. I'm too exhausted to wake up early."
Does Letterman or Leno have to see you drag your cranky ass up in the morning? Do yourself and your children a favor: Be up and ready when the troops arrive.
You need this time to yourself, because by the time you get those little energy drainers to bed in the evening, you can't truly enjoy that alone time because you have nothing left in you to enjoy it. It won't be easy at first if your not accustomed to seeing the sun rise, but you and your children will be happier for it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Raising a child or a monster? Getting to know QM's philosophy...
Though we all know that our little bundles of joy never came with an instruction book, here are a few things that would be in it:
1. Change their diapers (not beyond the fourth birthday for dog's sake!)
2. Bathe them
3. Feed them
4. Clothe them
5. Teach them:
a. their colors
b. the alphabet
c. responsibility
d. organization
e. self-sufficiency (yes, they can pack their own lunches and pour their own breakfast at age six. Mine do all the time. Don't you have enough to do already?)
6. Hug them when they get hurt
7. Listen to them, but beware, yes, even your perfect child will try to play on your emotions. Don't be played!
8. Support them in their interests
9. Teach them to be team players
10. Make them earn the things they really want either with good behavior or through chores! The things we want do not get handed to us (unless you count those evil little pieces of plastic that keep you up at night). If you're one of those idiots that thinks that those credit cards will take care of themselves after you purchase that large screen TV that's too damn big for your room anyway, you're in trouble, and so will your children if you don't change your own behavior. Be patient! Save up the money first if you want all that crap. You say you can't save that much in a short period of time. Tough! What part of "Be Patient!" didn't you understand? Kids don't need heaps of toys and large TVs. They need you to do the list above.
11. Occasionally spray them with a hose (they love it! And we take fiendish delight in it as well).
So those are the things we should be working on as parents. Your job is NOT to:
1. Indulge your children with the newest electronic crap that comes out on the market because "everyone else has one." Here's where they're playing you. Playing you, I said! Do you want to be played? When they annoy you with these requests, say "CTCA". What is CTCA you ask? Cut The Crap Already. Remember you have a REAL job to do, and indulging your children is not part of that job description.
2. Drop what you are doing to find their shoes, homework, underwear etc for them while they declare "I can't find them ANYWHERE" when you know they haven't moved from the same spot in ten minutes.
3. Let them play their "favorite" video games for "just one more minute" while their dinner is awaiting them on the table. It's never just one more minute...NEVER. And you're a fool if you think it will be.
4. Believe them when they say their homework is done. MAKE THEM get their bags and show you some COLD, HARD PROOF. Do this UNTIL THEY HAVE A GOOD TRACK RECORD of getting it done without your investigations.
This is only the beginning. Email me with specific situations, and I will give you Queen Mum's take. Remember, we're in this together.
1. Change their diapers (not beyond the fourth birthday for dog's sake!)
2. Bathe them
3. Feed them
4. Clothe them
5. Teach them:
a. their colors
b. the alphabet
c. responsibility
d. organization
e. self-sufficiency (yes, they can pack their own lunches and pour their own breakfast at age six. Mine do all the time. Don't you have enough to do already?)
6. Hug them when they get hurt
7. Listen to them, but beware, yes, even your perfect child will try to play on your emotions. Don't be played!
8. Support them in their interests
9. Teach them to be team players
10. Make them earn the things they really want either with good behavior or through chores! The things we want do not get handed to us (unless you count those evil little pieces of plastic that keep you up at night). If you're one of those idiots that thinks that those credit cards will take care of themselves after you purchase that large screen TV that's too damn big for your room anyway, you're in trouble, and so will your children if you don't change your own behavior. Be patient! Save up the money first if you want all that crap. You say you can't save that much in a short period of time. Tough! What part of "Be Patient!" didn't you understand? Kids don't need heaps of toys and large TVs. They need you to do the list above.
11. Occasionally spray them with a hose (they love it! And we take fiendish delight in it as well).
So those are the things we should be working on as parents. Your job is NOT to:
1. Indulge your children with the newest electronic crap that comes out on the market because "everyone else has one." Here's where they're playing you. Playing you, I said! Do you want to be played? When they annoy you with these requests, say "CTCA". What is CTCA you ask? Cut The Crap Already. Remember you have a REAL job to do, and indulging your children is not part of that job description.
2. Drop what you are doing to find their shoes, homework, underwear etc for them while they declare "I can't find them ANYWHERE" when you know they haven't moved from the same spot in ten minutes.
3. Let them play their "favorite" video games for "just one more minute" while their dinner is awaiting them on the table. It's never just one more minute...NEVER. And you're a fool if you think it will be.
4. Believe them when they say their homework is done. MAKE THEM get their bags and show you some COLD, HARD PROOF. Do this UNTIL THEY HAVE A GOOD TRACK RECORD of getting it done without your investigations.
This is only the beginning. Email me with specific situations, and I will give you Queen Mum's take. Remember, we're in this together.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
The Queen Mum has arrived
To all those mollycoddling mothers of the world...beware! I have no time for your PTO (Please Tell me it's Over) Meetings, bake sales, field days and what have you. Those of you who that have your calendars bursting at the seams with activities intended at making you look like Mom of the Year, here's a clue...there are those of us who don't have time for that crap.
The real mothers of the world are too busy doing those real mom activities; in the bathroom wrestling hairbrushes through our daughters' long locks as they squeal in pain; slapping a few grilled cheese sandwiches on the griddle after working 8, 9, 10 hours for a boss who thinks you have all the time in the world to do his bidding; mowing the lawn when the grass starts tickling the backs of our knees after waiting for our husbands to remember that the great outdoors doesn't reside only on the Discovery Channel.
I'm starting this blog as an outlet for the trials, rants, raves and humorous happenings of one anonymous American woman determined to survive this strange and yet strangely satisfying thing called motherhood. Your humorous stories and questions about being or becoming a "real" mother are invited. I will advise any who are willing to swallow a difficult pill on the correct way to keep your kid from being that little brat over in aisle 2.
Take comfort, my real mothers, you aren't the only ones going crazy.
The real mothers of the world are too busy doing those real mom activities; in the bathroom wrestling hairbrushes through our daughters' long locks as they squeal in pain; slapping a few grilled cheese sandwiches on the griddle after working 8, 9, 10 hours for a boss who thinks you have all the time in the world to do his bidding; mowing the lawn when the grass starts tickling the backs of our knees after waiting for our husbands to remember that the great outdoors doesn't reside only on the Discovery Channel.
I'm starting this blog as an outlet for the trials, rants, raves and humorous happenings of one anonymous American woman determined to survive this strange and yet strangely satisfying thing called motherhood. Your humorous stories and questions about being or becoming a "real" mother are invited. I will advise any who are willing to swallow a difficult pill on the correct way to keep your kid from being that little brat over in aisle 2.
Take comfort, my real mothers, you aren't the only ones going crazy.
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