Raising a child or a monster? Getting to know QM's philosophy...

Though we all know that our little bundles of joy never came with an instruction book, here are a few things that would be in it:

1. Change their diapers (not beyond the fourth birthday for dog's sake!)

2. Bathe them

3. Feed them

4. Clothe them

5. Teach them:

a. their colors
b. the alphabet
c. responsibility
d. organization
e. self-sufficiency (yes, they can pack their own lunches and pour their own breakfast at age six. Mine do all the time. Don't you have enough to do already?)

6. Hug them when they get hurt

7. Listen to them, but beware, yes, even your perfect child will try to play on your emotions. Don't be played!

8. Support them in their interests

9. Teach them to be team players

10. Make them earn the things they really want either with good behavior or through chores! The things we want do not get handed to us (unless you count those evil little pieces of plastic that keep you up at night). If you're one of those idiots that thinks that those credit cards will take care of themselves after you purchase that large screen TV that's too damn big for your room anyway, you're in trouble, and so will your children if you don't change your own behavior. Be patient! Save up the money first if you want all that crap. You say you can't save that much in a short period of time. Tough! What part of "Be Patient!" didn't you understand? Kids don't need heaps of toys and large TVs. They need you to do the list above.

11. Occasionally spray them with a hose (they love it! And we take fiendish delight in it as well).

So those are the things we should be working on as parents. Your job is NOT to:

1. Indulge your children with the newest electronic crap that comes out on the market because "everyone else has one." Here's where they're playing you. Playing you, I said! Do you want to be played? When they annoy you with these requests, say "CTCA". What is CTCA you ask? Cut The Crap Already. Remember you have a REAL job to do, and indulging your children is not part of that job description.

2. Drop what you are doing to find their shoes, homework, underwear etc for them while they declare "I can't find them ANYWHERE" when you know they haven't moved from the same spot in ten minutes.

3. Let them play their "favorite" video games for "just one more minute" while their dinner is awaiting them on the table. It's never just one more minute...NEVER. And you're a fool if you think it will be.

4. Believe them when they say their homework is done. MAKE THEM get their bags and show you some COLD, HARD PROOF. Do this UNTIL THEY HAVE A GOOD TRACK RECORD of getting it done without your investigations.

This is only the beginning. Email me with specific situations, and I will give you Queen Mum's take. Remember, we're in this together.